私たちの写真を見て懐かしいとは思いたくない i guess that’s just the way things go.

drifting leaves caught in the wind, the same that brought us together will now push us apart, but for one night the wind seizes and we are together for an eternity.

each kiss, each touch, the light dances in your eyes under this sky that’ll dance forever, when will the wind pick up and where will we land? i step out of the tent, the stars are strung above my head, the windless lake is my mirror, and i ask it to remain still, to keep me suspended in this perfect life reflected. i want to be with you and later i will find out that you were the only one for me, i knew this part but now i have found that out.

it’s so peaceful in our sleeping bags, the jumping splash of a fish, the flapping wing of strange brown birds, autumn and mountain feels home with you, and how sad is it to find a home so far from my life, maybe its not sad but bittersweet to know that i can feel in such a way once again after so much time, why did i wanna feel this way? to feel insane and sleepless, like i can throw my life away, all for you. after all of this, i’ll be depressed and bedridden, everything will be colourless and i will forget to brush my teeth, perhaps it’s a good thing there’s some distance between me and myself, it helps to forget, but now our lips fit perfectly, i turn the lights off and you whisper “te quiero”. we are comfortable together, like long lost friends, and for three nights we play like kids, reckless with the hours and our health, we stop thinking about where the wind will take us and we simply accept that for the time we have we’re lucky enough to have floated softly into each other, and now the only thing to do is to laugh, with you.

can i actually get over you? months, years later hearing the song we heard together makes me tremble and gives me random flashbacks to that time you said that one thing. spending evenings getting wasted in tears who remains in my head far longer than you did, it doesn’t feel any miserable that i wanted to be with you for all my life, it felt divine actually. when i suddenly smell a smell which was yours and now i am filled with our memories, our nostalgia, when i have this sudden urge to hold you and the realization hits me that you are not there anymore, that i am alone now, and suddenly my face is all wet with tears. it shattered me from inside, it shatters me from inside, and it will shatter me, i know that, will i be whole again? i’m not sure about that, but that is not the question that rings me up the most, what does is; do i ever wanna be whole again? do i ever want to accept that we are not together in this universe? will i even survive without fragments of you embedded in me? i see this candy and it reminds me that you used to buy it for me, and we ate it together, laughing, listening each other till our hearts filled, and today; i eat it alone, not in joy but to keep the fragments you left, to still light my soul up in memories of you, i could not eat it full, drank the hot chocolate and left.

i wish any of my tiny words would stop you from fading away, and you say “the night is not over, we can still be together, we can still hug each other to sleep, we still have time together.” it’s so nice to wake up with you, also nightmarish. the sun rises, the cars pass over the nearby bridge, the lake surface begins to dance, and i try to hold it all in my head, i try to hold you in my arms, momentarily i figured that i never woke up, i died. the thought that you would not be with me when i wake up could not let me sleep, contrastingly it sent me the eternal slumber. i could not live with the fact that we are not together, and i am happy that the hurricane of thoughts killed me, because i could not live with it, i could not breathe with it, and the only thing for me to do was surrendering to the hourglass, i could never kill myself because there was you in me, how could i kill you, you were alive in me, you kept me alive. i am glad i died.

i had a dream that this night was gonna be our last, that we were only here for the night, and to my hearts content; it was my dream, a nightmare. IT WAS A DREAM. a montage of mornings in bed with coffee and the sun shining through the curtains, realizing that this night, out of all nights weren’t spent alone. my heart is filled with gladness, that you are mine, my soul is overjoyed, my existence has a meaning, it was an awful dream. i kiss you and you taste like the hot chocolate from last night, you taste like the stars from last night. i see your eyes once again, and my heart drops from the high it reached from realizing it was a dream, it just blends with you, i just blend with you. we are one once again. i hold you so tightly, it squeezes the air out of us, i don’t want to leave it, i don’t want the air to hold a distance between us, i just want you, i need you.

嬉しいよ、私たちの写真を見ても懐かしい気持ちにはならないよ