this life doesn’t seem mine, shouldn’t it have been more glorious, or more grotesque like, somewhere more on the extreme sides, that would have more sense than dangling in the middle and trying to guess all the whats and whens, not the what is the meaning of life bullshit, or why me drama, but just these when will i stop passing through different decibel of stuff which are not my beat, something which causes a little pain but gives harmony too, the music which seems just fine, just helps me pass through things.

fine, i will settle for “good enough” for now, this job, this music, this place just for now, as this job still pays the bills, it still is better than no music, and this place seems better than sleeping on a bus stop or just another place filled with other people. these are all just “fine”, still a pretty low bar, and settling for good enough just for now caught me in paralysis, turned into my real life, the just for now have been turned into since forever, the job which paid the bills have started to lack in its job, the music seems familiar now but not comforting, this place could and can never become my home,

its funny how one moment i was telling myself i would start exercising and the next i am years deep into just sitting on my chair in front of my laptop writing this, this life seems to belong to a stranger, i have not accepted this life and neither i want to, i always thought i was made and meant for something bigger, and i still want to uphold that thought to my highest principle, any thought of settling in this stranger’s life seems like a sheer horror and coincidently i do not like horror movies, there’s fear of the unknown, it kills us in the anticipation of what could happen, drowning us into our anxiety, fear of future and getting killed. this slight comfort of sitting here and the thought of running and sweating so much already gives me sweats, pulling my will, into just this place, because why not.

and somewhere in the day while shuffling between my tasks with my second cup of caffeine, i faint.

this life of someone else which i never signed up caught up to me. and it finally hit me, this is the why. the why of getting up and running, the why of watering my plants.

somedays i would pour more water, somedays less than they wanted to drink, then i would go on to complain about my plants dying, them not growing properly no matter how many tries i take. i wish fresh starts could solve what have been past me, but i still have to revisit my every step to calm myself of the feeling of where i went wrong, turns out i was doing it all wrong, but this conclusion brought a little peace to me than infuriating me, maybe finally i can do things right, looking at them like the plants they are and not just my daily task to do, being one with them might seem far-fetched but if i forget to learn and do them as chores, i better just sit on my chair and continue writing this.

i went for a walk and that knocked me off, i started to notice more of the stuff i thought i was meant to live, this started as a quiet rebellion more than fireworks bursting leading to a moment of eureka, no it was not a sudden jolt in my brain but rather a slow paced, pent up loath throwing me off the cliff. fine, i’ll stop settling in this life, i am done with knowing myself by these things more than what i really am,
recreating stuff was a lot less dramatic than what i saw tho, it didn’t happen all at once, but slowly little by little, a little off-script than what i thought, doing things out of my regular behavior of being, breaking the stuff i had in mind of me, an image of me, it all helps me breathe better, maybe to the outside world it was no different than just being another monday, but it gives me a sense of liberation, letting go of the being i was pretending to be or the image i was holding up to me so closely.

starting from zero feels so better now that i can be whoever i want, i might just start learning linear algebra while blending it with a little after effects, being non-reactive to people i do not want to deal with, just choosing any stuff from the whole catalogue of stuffs, just to end up finding all of these things are similar, they are what they are and they still connect with each other on different principles, it makes me chuckle to do stuff which i thought was beyond me, gives me the peace to tell myself things are not fine when they truly are not, its liberating to know that i do not need an official go-ahead before changing, i just can.

my girlfriend pumped a drive in me, an unwavering enthusiasm, stop wondering how do i have a girlfriend (that’s my job), and from then nike’s motto seemed more practical so i started writing what you are reading right now, and i would be the best one for my life, the thought scares me that my life would be dependent on my reactive emotions of life. i don’t wanna live the only war, like i am not opposed to the streamline of life but i don’t want that as my eventual, competition feels good but not with death. yeah it will be hard i guess, i am gonna get grilled but i chose this, and i am happy. it feels good to realize the time i have spending on my chair writing these, now can be spend in doing stuff, just a slight change but fills me with bliss.